when my inner 4 year old runs the show
What I write is not to teach you anything. There is no guidance or advice. I write about my experiences or I write about my thoughts or I write about what I feel, think, believe deep down inside. I do this so that if you relate to whatever I’m writing, then maybe you’ll realise that you too have everything you need within.
This could be any age and there are many different ages of myself that do pop up. In this writing, I honour my four year old.
When I was four, my life changed drastically. My brother was born and had numerous health complications. Before my brother came into this world my Mum was pregnant and sick with pneumonia.
To the best of their ability, I was cared for by my immediate family - my grandmother and also the extended family of Uncles, Aunts and cousins.
The 4 year old version of myself, she didn’t understand what was happening and nor should she. What she did believe about what was happening is that if she were more responsible that this would change things back the the way they used to be. What she didn’t know was that her life had changed forever.
As the adult I am today, my four year old likes to pop up when she sees that it is her job to be responsible for me. For example, at work meetings she is with me. When she senses that people don’t understand or misinterpret what I say or do, (always from a good intention), she will get very upset and hurt. As a result, I too would be upset. Most times, I didn’t know why for my 4 year old was well hidden within me. So instead I’d interpret my surroundings and make it about other people.
The journey of my 4 year old eventually led her to trust me and to show herself to me in all her vulnerability, with all of her beliefs that she had shared with no one. One of her beliefs was that she didn’t matter and ultimately was unloveable. She also decided, with the capacity of a four year old brain that if she were more responsibly, took more responsibility for herself and those around her that things would change for the better.
She took the task of being responsible very serious. Yet, with my aging body, me, the present me, didn’t have the ability to keep going like I did when I was young. This led to many A personality type dis-eases. Neither of us, her nor I knew any of this. That my relationship with her and her secret beliefs and solutions would cause us both pain.
Something had to change.
The first step in the Soul Integration (TM) process was for her to trust me enough to let me know that she was there. This had to happen in her own time and space. When it did, the next step was to listen to her and to acknowledge all that she had been through, thought and interpreted with her 4 year old-ness.
I set the ground rules of her living with me in the present. At first, she could come to the work meetings with me. Yet, this didn’t work. Imagine being the CEO of a company, a lawyer, teacher, doctor or whatever working capacity you are. The meeting, interactions with whomever is going well and then it’s not. Or you’re at a meeting and everyone else unknowingly has their inner child front and centre, whatever age. There could be seven 30 - 60 year olds around the table and yet, under the internal surface of each there are three 2 year olds, a 3, 4, 7 and 10 year old at the table. Plus, none of them have had their afternoon nap so they are all grumpy and untrusting. I sometimes wonder if this whole word, ‘awakening’ that is used a lot in our time is really about awakening to the aspects of ourselves that haven’t healed and need your support. These aspects of you no longer want to run the show but it’s the only pattern they’ve ever known. Plus they have some belief system or contract with you that is stuck in time and comes to the surface, in the present, at the most inopportune times. Your inner whatever age, mine being 4, doesn’t know this but the adult I am now does. Crazy.
For me, I’ll be in a meeting and everything is going well. I’m not taking on stuff, people’s angst run off me and then, bam. I’m hurt. I did all of this stuff out of the kindness of my heart and with the best of intentions, someone says something that suggests otherwise and in that moment it affects me, when in the moment before it did not. It feels horrible. This sense of hurt creates a dialogue. The heart hurts and the head then thinks about what the person said was uncalled for or whatever. Alternately, the head thinks and the heart then hurts. Whichever way it happens, I now know that the thoughts/feelings are coming from my four year old trapped in time and not me, in the here and now. So bringing my inner Four year old to meetings with free range did not work. Not at all. Great learning experience though. That’s the gift.
It took me time to realise that when I became conscious of the negative thoughts and/or judgements about myself and/or others that there was a feeling associated with it that I hadn’t realised. I’d check in with my body, feel the hurt, listen to the thoughts (or visa versa) and then use my adult brain to discern as to what was going on. Almost always there was a triggered inner person inside of me that showed up with the intention of helping me. “Thank you so much, I’ve got this”. What was said, done or the hour long negative meeting doesn’t affect the person I am today like it does you. I’ve got this. I love you, hear you and see you. If you’re tired, go have a nap and I’ll be in charge.”
“There are many bumps in the road because I choose to live a life that is filled with growth. I have warmed up to feeling uncomfortable with my feelings especially when they’re intense. Taking a pause and rest is always an indicator on what is required when this happens. That’s for sure. As a highly sensitive person, I also discern if what I’m sensing and/or feeling is mine or not. ”
Next, I changed the perimeters with my inner 4 year old. She could play in the room where the meeting took place. This didn’t work, either. The entire time, she had her ear on the meeting and would take over when she deemed it necessary. She had such a high need to be responsible that she somehow would always run the show and get triggered. A four year old doesn’t have impulse control. How could she? When the intention was for her to play in the room and didn’t, it could take days, months to recover as my physical resilience was low and my health compromised and vulnerable.
Lastly, my four year old stopped coming to work with me. It became a non-negotiable, ‘no’. It could not, would not, should not happen. By this time, she had trusted me enough to take care of things. It worked. She saw that I had her back as well as my own. She got to play with me in my own kitchen dancing or enjoying outside playtime with the dogs or tapping into her sense of wonder and being grateful for the roses in my garden or whatever. She stopped having any interest in going to adult places and the need to be responsible.
What also became very clear and evident was that only I could parent her and any other aspect of myself the best. I knew me, my life experience, I was always there within my life so I knew full well how to talk to her; what was needed. The same goes for everyone. What you do in life works for you because you know you. It usually doesn’t work for me, what you do. I know because I used to do whatever anyone else wanted me to do. That was a disaster because most things did not work well for me or I’d force the situation to work and get sick as a result. Thank you body for reminding me that other people’s success route is my sickness path. Who knew?
Now, most days, she (my 4 year old) needs to hear that ‘I’ve got this’ whatever it may be. That I hear her, love her and understand where she’s coming from. More often than not she needs a hug, a kiss and nothing else. It’s that simple.
What my four year old has taught me is that as the adult and guardian to her now, it is important for me to be a role model. To speak up when I don’t want to, to make hard decisions that support her ( and myself), to also let things go - all from the place of love. The majority of mine-fields in my life (when she was running the show) are now bumps in the road. There are many bumps in the road because I choose to live a life that is filled with growth. I have warmed up to feeling uncomfortable with my feelings especially when they’re intense. Taking a pause and rest is always an indicator on what is required when this happens. That’s for sure. As a highly sensitive person, I also discern if what I’m sensing and/or feeling is mine or not.
This is the beginning of my 4 year old and I (plus numerous other significant ages in my life with the same string of pearls) to create a soul centred way of living where I align to other people who have the same frequency match.
What also has happened in my life, is that I have now connected with my future self. She helps me, the woman I am today to step into my power, to no longer hand it over so that I am loved by others.
Gosh, how amazing it is to live in a world where I have compassion for others when they are triggered. I wonder who inside of them is triggered and needs the kind of loving attention that they can only give to themselves? The first step towards this journey is self love and compassion.