PATTERNS
What I write is not to teach you anything. There is no guidance or advice. I write about my experiences or I write about my thoughts or I write about what I feel, think, believe deep down inside. I do this so that if you relate to whatever I’m writing, then maybe you’ll realise that you too have everything you need within.
Lately, I’ve had some traffic on my website. People reading my blog. I haven’t written for a while. At the moment, I’m writing a manuscript. Putting down onto paper the history of the female lineage that I was born into. I’ve gone as far back as my great-great-great grandmother. There is also a sense of the patterning that I’ve written about that goes back perhaps thousands of years. It’s societal as well. How women treat each other, one generation after the next, over and over again.
One of the many things I am grateful for as I write is that I can now clearly see the patterning. What that has done for me is to put me in a place of observer. I get to not take anything personally. I was born into this lineage, yet, it is not me. This has helped me to not judge any of the characters, either woman or man. Each of them had their part to play.
Shame makes it so that there was so much that needed to be said and wasn’t.
So many conversations that could have happened from a place of love that didn’t.
So many things that needed to be said and weren't.
So many things that needed not to be said and were.
The actions taken,
The assumptions made.
The beliefs that were created about ourselves that were never true in the first place.
What is my part in all of this? I love to go deep. I love to delve into what is not being said. I love to have the hard conversations because I believe it will set us all free. Through the writing of many generations in my family lineage, down my grandma’s side, I’ve realised that most people are not capable of speaking or talking like I do. I can see now how it’s gotten me in the places where I sometimes find myself. I take full responsibility for that. I didn’t realise that there are people who have made a home for themselves in the world of shame. It’s where they choose to live. It is not my place to change that in any way. There is no blame, no judgement. Those things that weighed my family down do not have to dictate were my life goes. I was born from these patterns. I turned them inwards onto myself which did me great harm. I held onto them without realising that all I had to do was to let them go. Let them go, is exactly what I did.
Writing about my family patterning has taken away me taking everything personally. Writing about my family patterning has given me such freedom. On the days when my DNA, cellular memory or whatever it may be, tries to convince me that I am my patterning, I take a deep breath, rest and wait until the storm blows off into the distance. It was no hold on me, anymore.
I have such great love, compassion and admiration for those who have come before me. I bear witness to their pain. It is my pain too. Yet, it is not mine to solve. There is no solution, nothing to fix. The realisation that I am so much more than the lineage that I was born into tends to set it all free.
The other day, I was listening to a book on Audible called, ‘Mother Hunger’. In the beginning, Kelly McDaniel said something like, When your mother is unable to love her baby, her baby doesn’t stop loving her mother, she stops loving herself.
From generation to generation, a mother can’t give to her daughter all of the things that was’t given to her. It’s so sad. Instead of finding all those things that many generations of women weren’t ever able to give to each other, the gift is that I get to give it to myself. I get to have an amazing relationship with me. That’s the gift. It stops all the suffering, the pain, the avoidance. When the shadows from a past long lived before me comes knocking at my door, I have enough detachment and discernment for the feelings to not last long, if at all. I get to love those aspects, those ancestor’s thoughts, that aren’t mine. That’s what it means to be in observer.
“I love you, I see you, I hear you. I am your future self. I am not going to abandon you. We get to go through this (pain, memory, cellular memory, trigger) together.” This is a kind of mantra that I learnt with Soul Integration (TM) and I use it for those wobbly moment. I need to remind myself in those moments that I’m there for me. So good.
Gosh, I lived for so long believing I was a very bad and horrible person. I might have very well have come into this world with that thought! Carried on by my great-great-greats of grandmothers. It’s crazy really. They weren’t horrible, dysfunctional maybe, with horrible things done to them, that they swallowed down and took out on their daughters without even realising it. Wow, just wow.
I’m so enthusiastic for what the future holds for the future females in my lineage while I watch all of this is being set free.
Hey, before I go, I just want to let you know that ‘You’ve got this’. Whatever it is that you are going through, whatever your patterning may be, whether it is similar to mine or totally different, I want to let you know that you have everything you need inside to be receptive to all the goodness inside of you that can assist you in being in a peaceful place. It’s already there inside of you.
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