HATRED TO LOVE OF SELF - MY JOURNEY
What I write is not to teach you anything. There is no guidance or advice. I write about my experiences or I write about my thoughts or I write about what I feel, think, believe deep down inside. I do this so that if you relate to whatever I’m writing, then maybe you’ll realise that you too have everything you need within.
It got to the point where I had to move on. My internalised self hatred was literally killing me. The amount of diagnoses under my belt increased as the years went by. Mind you, living in a sick home didn’t help either. My self hatred didn’t help with my resilience to the external world, that’s for sure.
I have come to know Anger as my protestor. I’m not talking about rage - like lose my sh*t kind of stuff. I’m talking about being angry when boundaries are crossed or bullshit is blatant.
I was mainly angry about how I was so addicted to drama and didn’t even know it. Someone who has drama in their life, is a part of the problem. That was me. I was in it and only saw other people’s part and not may own. I guess that’s what denial does.
My anger was trying to tell me something. To get the ‘f’ out. I thought it meant external stuff so I lived in different countries, different locations, worked at different schools and now a business of my own. Unbeknown to me, it was the internal world that I needed to get the ‘f’ out of. The internal world that I created. The beliefs that I solidified. The perceptions that I etched in stone without questioning their validity.
I recently say a spiritual leader, a channel. He paused at one point, once we talked about my friend, Anger. He didn’t know how to quite put it or even to say it at all. I’m glad that he did.
“Things from your past aren’t as important as you make them out to be.” Paul Selig
Right.
I made it such a habit to not tell anyone anything especially during my childhood. At the time, I see that was a great coping mechanism and helped me to survive. Now, it causes me suffering. When I’m asked to speak up, I don’t. I can’t. It goes against the survival grain from my past.
“Whatever you do keep your mouth shut.”
And so I did. With great success.
I remained quiet and just got the job done.
Be quiet, stay out of the way and make a difference, quietly.
The thing is, I do have a lot to say. I am curious and creative. I tend to see things in different ways to the majority of people. I am able to shed light on things that no one ever thinks about. I problem solve a bazillion different options and with Rainman (see the Movie with that title) precision, I find out the best way before the first step is even made.
I’ll tell one person. That’s safe.
Well it was when I was a kid.
If someone would listen.
As an adult, most would take the ideas and make them their own.
Except for a few who worked along with me.
But my anger only dwells on the negative.
It hides there, deep within the weight of my body’s breadth barely making a sound.
It’s getting crowded in there though.
And so I am learning to delve deep into the protector parts of me that comeacrsoss as angry. I’m getting to know them and finding out how they protected me in the past and I’m discussing how that doesn’t work for me anymore. The exploration feels heavy but the results are always great. These angry parts in me are realising that they can do other things for me now. Mainly, to be a cheering squad for me. There are so many wonderful things that I am creating and they cheer me on especially when I need them the most.
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Want to explore what I wrote about more?
"‘No Bad Parts’ by Dick Schwartz