PERFECTION
What I write is not to teach you anything. There is no guidance or advice. I write about my experiences or I write about my thoughts or I write about what I feel, think, believe deep down inside. I do this so that if you relate to whatever I’m writing, then maybe you’ll realise that you too have everything you need within.
The truth and the lie about perfectionism.
Growing up, I didn’t discuss the really important things with anyone. It was just easier not to. I learnt that if I did say something, I’d either be convinced to do it ‘their’ way or what I said would be dismissed and forgotten.
For the most part of my life, my decisions were a family group discussion. As an adult, I’d ask people advice about what was best for me. I’d even ask people who really didn’t even know me. The ones who did know me really didn’t either because I was ‘all things to all people.’ I’ll be what you want me to be just so you’ll like me.
Crazy, yet totally plausible based on my circumstances.
Here’s then thing. When it came to schooling and then into the workforce, I decided that I had to be perfect. That perfect people had it all together. I deducted that to be perfect, I needed to look a certain way, act a certain way. If I were academic oriented, I would have deemed an A+ the answer to validate my self worth. The thing is, when we decide for ourselves what perfect is without looking at reality, then anything - our actions, looks, whatever can be seen as needing to be a certain way.
The thing is, the people who want to be perfect or act perfect are perhaps the most screwed up people around. Me being one of them. My expectations were so high and when I didn’t achieve them, I just made them higher (not lower). Who does that? Someone who wants their outside world to be different to their inside world. My inside world and beliefs about myself and others sucked. Yet, instead of getting curious and questioning such things, I just got more critical about myself and others.
It became a part of my conditioning. I automatically thought the worst possible reason for anything. My disconnect from myself created a disconnect from the world at large. This created. belief that I didn’t matter, that I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t loveable or enough.
I spun these beliefs to create a reality that made my life more and more miserable. When I was young, it was easy to blame everyone around me. So I should, as it is the perfect developmental stage to do it. At 16, I couldn’t discern. It was easy to blame everyone and sometimes myself. The thing is, this ancestral, global consciousness patterning continued well into my adulthood.
After my schooling days were over, the perfectionism and high expectations didn’t decrease, they increased. I gained momentum. This lead to so many health issues, that I didn’t, couldn’t even fathom that was related to my beliefs about myself. I had to hit my own rock bottom before things had to change. Oh there is always a choice in everything and mine was to focus on what was really going on with me.
My beliefs, that’s what had to change.
“Without a clear connection to our instincts and feelings, we cannot feel our connection and sense of belonging to this earth, to a family, or anything else. Herein lie the roots of trauma. Disconnection from our felt sense of belonging leaves our emotions floundering in a vacuum of loneliness. It leaves our rational minds to create fantasies based on disconnection rather than connection. These fantasies compel us to compete, make war, distrust one another, and undermine our natural respect for life. If we do not sense our connection with all things, then it is easier to destroy or ignore these things. Human beings are naturally cooperative and loving. We enjoy working together. However, without fully integrated brains, we cannot know this about ourselves. In the process of healing trauma we integrate our triune brains. The transformation that occurs when we do this fulfills our evolutionary destiny. We become completely human animals, capable of the totality of our natural abilities. We are fierce warriors, gentle nurturers, and everything in between.”
No more high expectations, no more jumping to the worst conclusion to anything, no more internal pressure, no more looking to others to tell me what I wanted, needed. No more.
I had to look within and to have a relationship with myself. My feelings, my thoughts, my actions.
Here’s the thing with perfectionism. It’s a load of rubbish. Everyone is screwed up in their own way. In this day and age you can’t be perfect. It’s not possible. Maybe knowledgeable in your area of expertise but that is different than being perfect. An A+ doesn’t make you happy. It may give you a dopamine hit that doesn’t last for long and that’s about it because the next essay or exam will be given the top marks to someone else, maybe.
The truth is that the perfect person makes mistakes, asks ‘stupid’ questions, inquires about things they don’t understand, laughs at themselves, has some friends and worries about things some of the times and most things all of the time.
I don’t want to be a perfect person anymore, which is easy now that I can barely remember my ‘schooling’ years. I am a curious person who strives to live in integrity and to live from my own true essence. Now that feels good to write that.
So good.
So, what thoughts are you keeping to yourself that isn’t doing you any favours? That you’re stupid, dumb, ugly, not this enough or not that enough? My guess is that it’s those thoughts that are fuelled by shame that run your life without you even knowing it. That was true for me. That is, until now.